Ah... Fall Break

Three days in and I feel relaxed and sufficiently away from teaching in both directions (past and future). It's the sweet spot of a week long vacation. I've just had a bowl of mom's delicious corn chowder, I beat her in cards, and am looking forward to an evening of niece and nephew... the perfect time to update the blog.

First, I have to mention the guy on my flight here. No, he wasn't handsome, no he wasn't interesting. What he was was annoying. He slept the whole way, which was good, but his damned elbow kept poking me in the boob every time he jerked in his sleep! Which was every freakin' 5 minutes! And he was stinky. And he had slicked back hair. Which has nothing to do with anything, but I was so annoyed that that just added to it. Stupid boob poker.

The last week of school before break was great. Short; therefore great. :) On Thursday we went on a field trip all day to the Mesa Southwest Museum (or Museum of Natural History - it's called both things), and we were gone all day. I just had to keep them entertained in the morning (coloring their favorite ice age animal that they already looked up online), and calm in the afternoon (reading). Friday was a half day for the kids. After the flag ceremony (ugh) and the assembly, the morning was mostly gone. I was able to leave by 2:30 after filling in all my report cards. (Who knows if I did them correctly, but they're done to the best of my ability. At least they were at that point. I'll probably have shit loads of work to do on them next week.)

Ah, next week. The start of a new quarter. Report Cards. Parent/Teacher conferences. I am SO not looking forward to those.

The last few weeks before break were... tumultuous. I couldn't shake my cold or sinus infection or whatever it was. I was feeling very overwhelmed and extremely cranky. I was on the verge. Literally. I was at my desk trying to get done in 15 minutes what I would have liked at least 1 hour to do when one of my colleagues came in, sub in tow, asking if I was going to the meeting. Um.... what meeting? The meeting! The math meeting with the district math coach. You know what meeting. I don't know what meeting, and no I'm not going. You have to go. I'm not going. But... you have to go. I AM NOT GOING. That break down we're always joking about? Here it comes, and I'm not going to any meeting. Um... ok... I'll... see... and he left.

A few minutes later another colleague came in. Ok, not just a colleague, my mentor, the one I student taught with, the woman who got me the job I have. Anyhow she came in and said "I know you're overwhelmed right now, but this is not a meeting you can just decide not to go to. This is a mandatory meeting per the principal." I don't have a clue about this meeting! Yes you do, it's been planned for weeks and we got three emails about it. I didn't get any emails. Yes you did. Um... no I didn't. But I dropped what I was doing, called the shocked sub, and got my ass to the meeting. 1/2 hour late, but I got there. Annoyed, mortified, overwhelmed and stunned but I got there.

The first colleague was in the office when I got there, trying to figure out what if anything he was supposed to do about the new teacher who was refusing to attend a mandatory meeting and the sub who was supposed to be handling her class. He looked surprised to see me, but said he "covered" for me and to just go on in; no one knew anything about anything. So I went in.

I probably looked like I felt. One teacher, who was annoyed that she had to attend this meeting, rolled her eyes at me to tell me it was a boring and/or useless meeting. I was just still annoyed, mortified, overwhelmed and stunned. So I had just sat down and settled in enough to calm my breathing to somewhat normal when the district rep turned to me and said "you're a brand new teacher, what is it you need?" Everyone turned to look at me. And I burst into tears. Sobs. And more tears.

I was horrified and shocked out of my mind. The more horrified and shocked I got, the more I cried and sobbed. Everyone else looked surprised too. That made me cry more. They got very sympathetic and tried to soothe me. That made me cry even more. By this time I had a mountain of Kleenex in front of me; which is surprisingly humiliating for some reason. Anyhow, I finally calmed down and made it through to the end of the meeting. Until she said she wanted to talk to me alone. I started to cry and sob again. Jesus Chris, it was awful.

Then the school secretary came in, apologizing profusely because of the email snafu that caused me to NOT get any of the email notifications about this mandatory meeting, and I started to cry harder. It was fuhuhuhuhuhuhking ridiculous. I just could not stop.

Eventually I did though, and strangely enough, the rest of my day went great. I had an uncomfortable conversation with my mentor that afternoon - she was sick of hearing about my "breakdown" and sick of the phone calls from concerned teachers who wanted to help me and more than likely sick of feeling like she wasn't doing her job as mentor (which she totally is!) - but the next day I felt even better, and the day after that even better, until eventually I felt like my old self again. Not sure how long that will last, but it's amazing what a little nervous breakdown will do for one's mood and outlook.

Anyhow, after all that, I've had offers of help pouring in. I feel much better, and the truth is, just like parenthood, I'm more than likely screwing something up. It comes with the territory. I need to just get over it. And now I'm on Fall Break, and I didn't bring any work with me. I only brought two silly novels that Sister recommended and I'm enjoying reading lighthearted fluff that has nothing to do with teaching.

I still don't know what the future holds career-wise - to teach or not to teach? But I'm fairly certain I'll make sure to schedule in a breakdown or two. Seriously, it worked wonders.